Thursday, 12 May 2016

My good grief work


So when I lost my sister on my wedding annivesary last year, I had no idea of the journey ahead. I had no idea of how life would turn out to be. Although I am a slow reactor emotionally I considered myself to be able to handle these things. I didnot know that grief could be felt so deep in your gut...so deep I was so scared. Scared because I didnot know I was ever going to come out of it. Being such a composed person did not help either,because this grief was way above my level. Emotions so strong hit me so hard like rushing wind and many times without warning and would hurt inside. I felt the pain in the deep of my throat, I even
 felt it as chest pain, I felt it way deep inside me, words fail my expression.
My usual response is that I am able to pen down a tribute, my feelings,my goodbye or anything that come to mind,its my easiest way of processing or rather my comfortable way.
The week of the funeral came and gone and everytime I tried to pen even how I felt, I just couldnt do it. It was just an impossible task.
I started thinking maybe I need help, I have never been overcome with grief like that. A Psychologist friend of mine assured me it is all part of the process, it is a process I was to embrace and allow it to take its course. She assured me eventually I will get better and will be able to move on.
The strange thing to me was that I was not denial,I had accepted my sister is gone and that it hurts not to have her.
Eventually I attended a "sort of group therapy on grief" called "The bereavement journey"in our church.
It has been a very helpful tool for me to be able to deal with grief.
Eventually as I was told before it does get better, as Jane the lady teaching the program says " You have to do the good grief work."
Yes, it did get better because I started doing the good grief work. My biggest challenge was that I never even knew that One is capable of feeling the way I did and that the pain of loss and grief can struck even your physical body. There was so much I never knew can happen because of grief.
Needless to say, its now about 8 months since her passing, I am confident to say I will be alright and God is doing a great work of  healing, much progress. The moments between the tears have become longer and I have started to remember her more with a smile than tears. Believe you me, as I write this, it still hurt deep inside.
As part of my good grief work I had to answer some questions,
"What roles have I lost about her,what makes this loss significant.
These were some of my answers;
-I have lost a sister,my mother's daughter, I was the girl born after her, well with my brother born before me though. But still..that is very significant to me
-I was hoping I still had more time to catch up. When we were younger, we were very different and not close even though we had a five year age difference, but as we grew, became wives and mothers, our relationship grew. Since she was wise, I enjoyed gleaning all the wisdom I could get from her. She was always calm, nothing fazed her and I loved watching that.
-She also had a great memory, always remembering all the silly stuff from growing up and laughing them all away. There was this giggle about those stuff. So that is gone, never to be heard at family gatherings again.
-I have lost a role model,as a wife to a minister of God I had my sister to look up to. She took this role with so much grace and ease, while I find that I have to carry this with courage. So with her gone, I dont have that displayed right in my face anymore.
-Oh the Worship, My sister was a worshipper. Oh the music. There are certain songs that I would forever remember her when we worship.
-She was very financially wise and disciplined. Something I learned slower, it does not come very naturally to me. She also lived a debt free life, something I admire and working towards.
-She was great with family (hers and her inlaws)
She loved her husband's family like her own and had great relationships with them. Something that can be challenging. She served them so well.
There are many other great things I have lost about my sister that will always remain cherished forever in my heart.

Precious in the sight of the Lord  is the death of his faithful servants. Psalm 116: 15  reads as a beautiful inscription on the headstone where she was laid to rest.

As I continue my good grief work I remember the words of Shakespeare  I heard during "The bereavement journey";

 Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'erfraught heart and bids it break.

And one other thing,  now I know for sure, I am not losing my head, I am gonna be just fine. This has not destroyed me and will not be able to. God always come for me, he show up in splendour and change the whole room.

3 comments:

  1. Open and honest sharing of challenges of losing a dear sister. Grief is not easy to comprehend. May the good Lord continue to lead your journey.

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  2. Open and honest sharing of challenges of losing a dear sister. Grief is not easy to comprehend. May the good Lord continue to lead your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. May God grant you peace that surpasses all understanding as you journey through my Sister! #IGNITE

    ReplyDelete